Righteous Heathcliff Fans Outraged By Evil Garfield Secret Lair Announcement

Peter Smith May 17, 2026 Satire

Last updated on May 17, 2026

It That Betrays | Illustration by CHOGRIN

Heads up Garfield sympathizers! Wizards of the Coast just announced three brand new Garfield Secret Lairs. These are all part of the Cats Are The Best superdrop, and each of these Secret Lairs include some interesting reprints and all show off a unique art style. However, this announcement has not come without controversy, as it’s left us Heathcliff fans understandably upset. Is Wizards of the Coast really taking Garfield’s side, when Heathcliff is clearly the original funny orange comic strip cat?

Table of Contents show

Heathcliff: A Legacy

For those of you brainwashed by the Garfield propaganda machine that is modern media, you may not be familiar with Heathcliff. But for us brave and enlightened few, we know him as the character that Garfield tries (and fails) to imitate.

Oh yeah, now that’s a funny cat. Observe his determined yet mischievous grin, the subtle snaggle tooth peeking out from behind curled lips, almost as if to say “I’m a rebel, but I’m also a friend.” Compare that to this picture of Garfield.

Lazy, bloated, sad. His smirk is taunting us. It says “I’m lazy and I don’t care about anything.” Truly a disgusting creature.

And so imagine our shock in the Heathcliff community when we heard the announcement that they would be making not just one, but three Magic: The Gathering Secret Lairs all about STUPID GARFIELD!!! Suffice it to say, I was miffed.

Just observe the barbarity of these products depicting this troublesome lasagna vacuum they call a cat.

Garfield: Manifestation of Sin

source: magic.wizards.com

If you haven’t noticed a theme in these cards, I’ll give it to you: It’s SIN! Wrath. Sloth. Gluttony. Despicable. Heathcliff would never commit such hedonism.

I mean just look at him. Not a single bad intention. You can tell from the leather jacket and the gentle wry smile that he is a being of pure benevolence. That upturned brow and confident posture almost seem to say “Hey, I would never sin. Not like Garfield. I’m Heathcliff, I’m good.”

The Onslaught Continues

source: magic.wizards.com

Let’s look at the next one–oh surprise, surprise–MORE VIOLENCE! First it was the cowardly human and the dim-witted canine that he assaulted so brazenly, and now we see his crimes are not limited to just them. The gentle ant: SWATTED TO DEATH with a rolled up newspaper. Yet another gentle dog: SUBJUGATED INTO AN IMPLEMENT OF WAR AND UNHOLY CONQUEST.

Clearly the influence of Garfield is so maddening that it has driven the minds of those who attempt to depict him to insanity, as the rest of these illustrations are hard to parse, but they emit an unmistakably evil aura. If this does not convince you of Garfield’s malfeasance, I don’t know what will. Perhaps the Garfield-biased media landscape has already formed your opinion for you, and if that’s the case, then I pity you.

source: magic.wizards.com

I can’t even look at this one. It’s just too hard for a Heathcliff head like me to see Garfield succeed. I don’t want to be dramatic, but this is literally 1984.

Evil Triumphs Over Virtue

Beast Within as “I Hate Mondays” | Illustration by Caleb Meurer

And once again on this regretful patch of dirt that we call Earth, the bad guys have won. Being a good guy gets you nowhere apparently. I hate Mondays? What about “I love everyday, because they are all blessings?” That’s just the kind of cutting wit that the Garfield-media is too afraid to publish these days. Heathcliff could say it though. Because Heathcliff is brave, and he’s not afraid to stand up to bullies. I mean, just look at him.

That playful grimace, that sleek black coat. The determined yet comforting stance as he walks forward as if to say “Hey, I’m Heathcliff. I’m cool, not like Garfield. Garfield sucks. But I don’t suck. I’m Heathcliff and I’m just really funny and Garfield isn’t funny because actually he’s literally really dumb and bad and he’s just not cool and I’m cool because my jacket is cool and I’m an orange cat. I was an orange cat first, before Garfield. Most people don’t know this because they are haters. I love you. I’m Heathcliff.”

Oh Heathcliff, you are too good for this world. My sweet boy. Unfortunately, this Garfield Secret Lair has proven once again that the forces of evil will always triumph over the virtuous.

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Peter Smith

Peter has been playing Magic since 2015. He started out playing Modern, but in the past few years he has found a passion for drafting. He likes to get in depth with the rules, and he loves coming up with outside-of-the-box strategies, and is happiest sharing what he knows with other people who love the game.