MTG Arena Reporting System Allows Vigilante Genius to Save Everyone

Last updated on August 18, 2026

Super Intelligence | Illustration by Michele Giorgi

As a long time vigilante genius, I often report things. I do this out of necessity, to maintain the fabric of society. For example, last week I called the police on a mother of three for jaywalking. Without me, that criminal would have gotten away with it, but thanks to my quick action, she's now in jail and her children are safely in foster care.

But there's one area of society I've been unable to watch over… until now. 

Magic Arena has long been a lawless wasteland, full of ne'er-do-wells and reprobates, winning against me even though they're basically cheating by playing certain cards. But now that Wizards of the Coast is finally introducing a system to report players, I will be reporting infractions with impunity.

Their Rules Vs. My Rules

source: magic.wizards.com

According to Wizards of the Coast, these are offenses that are grounds for reporting, but these don't go nearly far enough. So here are some of my own:

1. Don't Play Blue, It's Cheating

There's a reason that we've banned it in my Commander group. I often play Commander with my discord girlfriend, her IRL boyfriend, and my Grandma Mildred. But every single time that old bag Mildred plays her stupid blue deck and counters my spells, I have what doctors refer to as a “total mental breakdown”.

Now, I would disagree with that diagnosis, and I have called the cops on them for saying so, but that's besides the point. At any rate, blue is clearly just too over-powered, and it totally counters my Prosper, Tome-Bound deck, so I think the game would be better off without it and I will be reporting you for it.

2. Be Respectful To My Little Pony

I understand that there are MLP card sleeves and avatars available on Arena, but you should not be allowed to use them unless you are a real fan like me.

Now this may sound overly harsh, but I am a fair man, and so there will be a review process for this offense. After I report you, you will be given a My Little Pony quiz created by the brightest minds on r/mylittlepony, and if you pass and prove yourself to be a true “clopper”, then I will consider overturning your report.

3. Don't Report On Your Own, Defer To Me Instead

source: magic.wizards.com

Now, I don't want to brag, but I clearly have a mind that is superior to most. My brain has also been studied for its “abnormal qualities” no doubt referring to its massive size and skills of comprehension.

Super Intelligence | Illustration by Michele Giorgi

Need I mention that I also have watched every single episode of Rick and Morty, memorizing multiple quotes from each?

An idiot couldn't do that. It's because of my superior intelligence that I think you simpler folk should refrain from reporting players and instead message me directly, asking for my advice first. Once I have given you permission, only then will you be allowed to go through with the process. I think this is tough but fair, and it's in line with Plato's concept of a philosopher king.

The Wisdom Of A Genius Vigilante

source: magic.wizards.com

The corporate shills at Wizards of the Coast say that they will be outsourcing the moderation to something called GGWP, but I think this is obviously a mistake. When it comes to reporting, you want someone who's been doing it his whole life.

Whispering Snitch | Illustration by Jason Rainville

When I was eight years old, I called the police on my mother because she packed me a sandwich for lunch when I clearly asked for a Lunchable. My father was so intimidated that he left and never came back. The only downside to this is that I have to live with Grandma Mildred, who smells a lot by the way, but at least she gets me Lunchables every day.

The point is that I'm not afraid to do what needs to be done. I'm a reporting vigilante, much in the same way Batman is, and I think that someone like me should be the sole party handling these reports due to my high IQ and extensive experience.

Final Warning

Advantageous Proclamation | Illustration by Izzy

There will always be those that fail to understand my mission. Doubters, haters, losers. To them I say simply this: You will regret this. To the rest of you who are wise enough to fall into line, I promise that I will be fair, and only report those of you who break my rules.

And to the mindless drones at Wizards of the Coast, I will be expecting you to reach out soon so that I can be put in charge of moderation, as it is my divine right to do so. Things are going to change around here for the better, just be thankful I'm leading the way.

This is a fictional piece of satire; the characters and situations described are not meant to be taken literally. Just have fun with it, folks!